Oh Shit.

kris carI am a firm believer that sadness, resentment, and disappointment are all feelings that we choose.

Some things are for real sad, catastrophicly sad, Earth shattering zombie apocalypse sad ,and we should be sad about them for as long as we need to be in order to move on from them.

However, most things are just a little bit sad, and not worth allowing your short life to spiral into a depression over.

I compare depression to walking into a body of water  full of leeches.

Most times you have no idea you have done this to yourself. You wake up and find yourself in the water full of leeches, and have no fucking clue how you got there, but now you are far too weak and uninspired to get yourself out. There is that choice I was telling you about. Once you know you’re in there staying is a choice.

I have only one time in my life allowed myself to stay in the blood sucking pond for far too long. Right after I got married.

If I recounted this time in my life to you you would easily see all the ways I ended up floating around my pool of despair, but that validation wouldn’t make me feel better about my choices. I do  believe I needed to sit in it for as long as I did to be able to be here. It taught me to be aware of how I am feeling, and to choose another thought instead.

Now that I have gone through this time in my life where I let my expectations get the best of me I try really, really, really, really hard to not let my sad days spiral into a depression.

I found this quote that is in this posts picture on Kris Carrs Facebook page last week and it smacked me with an “Oh shit that makes so much sense” moment.

I have days where I want to lay in bed ,watch Netflix ,eat pizza and not exist. Since that is never an option in my life, because I have too many kids I take out my original resentments, and the resentment of having to Mother all the time on them.  This causes me to now add a sprinkle of guilt onto my already shitty ass day.

I have days where I cry over something that is hurting my soul, I have days I am so angry I want to rip heads off with my teeth.

I beat myself up for those days.

If those feelings and thoughts are my choice then I can change them. So I get on my high horse and tell myself to cut the shit and let it go. I tell myself I am an ungrateful pain in the ass. That someone has just experienced real tragedy, and I am over here crying over something that in comparison is stupid. I check my period tracker app and realize I am in the PMS stage of the month, and then get angry that I have been thwarted once again by my god damn hormones, which I should have in control.

Then.

I say my prayers, talk to God, do meditations, drink happy blend teas, listen to affirmations, journal, find gratitude instead, and after all that sometimes Im still sad.

“Dark days are totally natural sweetheart, what is unnatural is thinking everyday should be sunny.”

Oh shit.

I forget that sometimes you have to understand that your going to just be sad., and thats alright.

Some days are just not  full of sunshine fairies.

Sometimes its going to rain and I will not be able to find it in myself to get out there and dance.

My fear of finding myself floating in leech pond has gotten the best of me.

I guess its just another life lesson in surrendering.

 

Be Kind my Darlings.

 

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