Latest Posts

The Patriarchy.

The Patriarchy.

My Grandmother for weeks now, has been recounting the day my Grandpa died on our Sunday visits. It started when I asked her if I could buy her a new bed. She told me she has not slept in a bed in nineteen years, because my Grandfather died in it. I know that not sleeping in a bed because someone…

Expectaion Junkie in Recovery.

Expectaion Junkie in Recovery.

Being an only child I had to go out into the world and find people to love. I was blessed with my fair share of cousins, and grew up nestled in-between a group that felt like the best kind of siblings, because they went home. I enjoyed being any only child. Being alone has always been one of my favorite…

Monica Said There Would Be Days Like This.

I have a book in my bathroom called “14,000 things to be happy about.” It was a Christmas gift from my Aunt who had just been diagnosed with cancer.  This Aunt was a very thoughtful gift giver, and inside she wrote: “ Janika, Of all my nieces and nephews, you’re the one always spreading cheer and happiness! So, keep it…

Letting Go

Letting Go

 It is unnaturally difficult for me to lead with love. I have to practice the same way I have to practice getting into half saddle with out the need for fifteen yoga props. I still find it impossible sometimes to just say the things, I am thinking instead of becoming increasingly irate that my not mind reading husband, has not…

It Feels Like Home to Me.

I have been married for over ten years, and that number still seems so small in the grand scale of things. When I look ahead to celebrating fifty years next to my man, ten seems like that first corner of the foundation is laid. I may not know as much as I will in twenty five years, but I can…

What I’ve Been Doing.

What I’ve Been Doing.

Lately I have gotten a lot of “You looks so good Janika, what have you been doing?” This has always come in moments of weight loss for me. The year before my wedding when I did the tour of skinny everyone nearly lost their minds for my secrets. Back then it was calorie counting. I get comfy in obsessive thinking….

WWE Elimination Chamber

WWE Elimination Chamber

Professional Wrestling was the first thing that ever broke my heart. I used to say Hulk Hogan was the first man to break my heart, which is true, but he was playing a role in WWF at the time. I have since given my first heart break honor to the world of professional wrestling. The match was Hulk Hogan vs…

Everything I Need to Know about Life I Learned From Salt ‘N’ Pepa.

Everything I Need to Know about Life I Learned From Salt ‘N’ Pepa.

1:Opinions are Like Assholes and Everybody’s Got One.” Too many minutes were spent scrolling through social media a few weeks ago. Well last night too,  because Enzo was fired from the WWE, and the whole thing is such a socail media amatuer detective trap. Anyway, a  post from “Parenting” about Chrissy Teigen being Mom shamed for posting a picture of…

Happy Birthday Day Week Muffin.

Happy Birthday Day Week Muffin.

Three years ago on January 26th, very early in the morning I text my friend Elana a picture of this perfect tiny human, who just came out of my body. I captioned the perfect picture with “I had a baby for your birthday!” This year Is the first year Elana will spend her birthday not in her physical body. There…

Thirty Five and a Half-almost

Thirty Five and a Half-almost

In a few weeks, I will have a 16-year-old, a 9-year-old, a five-year-old and a three-year-old. My heart aches. I can feel all the muscles in my heart tense up every time I let the weight of that statement rest on my shoulders. As I dramatically deal with this closing season of my life, like any good leo would, admiring…

Sasha Banks

Sasha Banks

I have loved professional wrestling for as long as I can remember. Since the days of Saturday programming where I dreamed of being like Sunny, but with the capability to kick someone’s ass for real. My first heartbreak came at the hands of Hulk Hogan, long before he made the most awkward sex tape ever, and got himself banned from…

35

35

As a thirty-five-year-old woman striving to live with the integrity of a disney princess, I can no longer look around and wait for the adult in the room to step forward when someone is looking for them.I am supposed to be an adult. I have to actually adult. For someone who takes on responsibility like a martyr in a zombie…

August is Coming.

August is Coming.

      The Energy in the Universe right now is insane. Have you felt it? This heavy feeling I keep trying to wipe away. I feel like Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights when he thinks he is on fire. “HELP ME JESUS, HELP ME JEWISH GOD, HELP ME ALLAH, HELP ME TOM CRUISE, USE YOUR WITCHCRAFT ON ME TO…

Power

Walking outside today is like being inside a real-life storybook. I was reminded of that feeling I would get as a little girl on a perfect blue sky day. That feeling that you are just a small charcter in a story written by God. A beautiful human being walking around in this marvelous setting he created. I love these days. Spring…

You’re Pretty.

You’re Pretty.

I can’t understand the attack on Princesses in our modern girl raising times. I get that we want our girls to grow into strong, smart capable woman. What I don’t get is how princess became a bad word at the same time. Watching the Disney princesses evolve from Cinderella to Moana has been one of my greatest joys. It is…

Hey Kid I’ll Bring the Ice Cream.

Hey Kid I’ll Bring the Ice Cream.

I listen to Wayne Dyer, Rumi, Ram Das, Thich Nhat Hanh, and Anne Lamott most recently. The one thing all these teachers have drilled into my head is that you have to heal something referred to as the inner child. I get how lame that sounds. I grew up in the early nineties for god sake. The cabinets got smaller…

Your Heart is Three Dimensional and Other A-ha Moments.

Your Heart is Three Dimensional and Other A-ha Moments.

Remnants of motherhood are scattered around my cream “Debbie Does Dallas” leather sofa. Don’t judge me too harshly, it was the floor model and more than half the price of the chocolate one I wanted. A Biddy Baby American girl doll named Rachel, whose black painted on hair is scratched and worn with the love I hoped for her as…

Winter

Winter

I took a season off from blogging , because I was waiting for what my new normal would bring, and I’m not into expressing my melancholy and struggles in such an open forum. My growth never comes from expelling all that raw, fiery emotion to anyone but my physical journal. Winter is here, and after a contemplative and productive Fall I feel stable…

Fight for the Fairy Tale

Fight for the Fairy Tale

My house is untidy. I want to say disgusting, but I’m doing this new thing where I try really hard to not apply my perfectionist standards to everything. So the word disgusting really does not apply here.  There is no ring of soap scum on my shower, and the kitchen floor was mopped yesterday by a very handsome man with…

Learn To Stay

Learn To Stay

I am practicing this concept I heard on a Pema Chodran book I recently finished listening to. Learn to Stay. For about a year now I have been losing a relationship that was a major piece of my history. For months the wound is still so fresh that when I think about it I feel pulsating aches from my stomach…