My Daughter turned 10 early this year, and I noticed her start to change the way she treated her friendships.
I of course turned to television for further guidance on how to pursue the matter of explaining the coming issues she would bring to me as this change becomes fifteen instead of eleven.
Knowing in my heart that this change is of course her age, but most certainly it is for me to learn something here, so I went back to the first season of Beverly Hills 90201- episode one, and realized I have grown up to be Brandon Walsh, and wow Carol was a formidable Mother.
But back then I was a team Brenda. Kelly was a Dylan snatching hoe hoe cake.
I am still working through the series gathering intel for the next year of my life. Slowly, because this entire concept burns.
Still I know time is running out a bit. It is all going to begin in late August when two of my children leave the soft, safe, loving homeschool life and go out into school.
My oldest had to go, because he hates to listen to me, but loves to listen to others in authority, who are not his mother, who is uncool, and annoying.
How then could I deny my shining star lady baby the experience of friends in one place month after month, day after day.
The girl who gets reports like Your lady baby is a genuine pleasure in every class, or work shop, or camp she participates in.
However- this article is not about losing my homeschool mom of three status, its about friendships.
I digress, most likely on purpose.
Lady baby set off something in me that I knew would have to be rectified, but I was not so excited to see it calling my name.
I used to think I had the bestie game on lock.
Like really- if you had gone back eight years ago and told Jenika that she would in-fact not have her best friends she had then she would have laughed at you, like I wouldn’t even bother going back to warn her type shit, because she would not believe me.
Not only the bestie realm too, I shed many friendships over time, and many a bestie has had a hostile end. The seasons of people leaving me exhausted, and on edge.
So you can imagine that my daughters desire to acquire more committed friendships has left me trying to remember to breathe all the way down into my pelvis.
The problem is I thought I had solved the problem.
Just dont get too committed, do not get offended, do not use the title best friend, do not get involved with anyones business to the point of feeling like crap after, read more books, keep to myself more, have fun times with friends, keep it casual.
And in some respects I have the friendships of my dreams, but I can also feel myself holding my breath waiting for the tides to turn.
That cant be something I can keep modeling to my kids if they are going out into the world.
A problem with all of this is -What I know, I am not really sure how to say.
Sure being afraid of other people making me feel terrible tells me that I am allowing too much of them inside my bubble to begin with, but I have alway been emotional and open, and temperamental.
And really losing friendships is the saddest thing ever, and it is even sadder to me that sometimes you just cant change or do anything to stop it.
I have to find ways to say to her that-
Sometimes love will be toxic, and need to be separated from, and that will feel like the hardest, healthiest thing to do.
Sometimes she will run away from people she loves, because she is impatient, or scared.
Sometimes the world will just kill her homie.
When she is lucky enough and they are spared by death, disease, and accident they may be taken by time and circumstance.
How do I say all those things to her shining hazel, doesn’t believe in heartbreak eyes?
Maybe I wont say anything to her.
I will just wait until her bestie Regina Georges her.
Maybe I will just have to watch, wait, and then swoop in with my Gandalph vibe, and shut the heart break down.
Maybe I ll get to tell her that her friend just doesn’t know how to have hard feelings, and she could bounce if it gets toxic, or just know her mean girl imitating homie just has love she has no idea how to show, and that will soothe all her tears.
Maybe we can watch 90210 and she can see how Brenda thought Kelly was her boo, but she was more in love with her ex boyfriend than their friendship. Which was my first true experience in bestie break ups btw.
Maybe I will show her how almost every great wrestling tag team to ever exist turns on each other.
Maybe she will be the one who Regina Georges someone and lives in a state of sad regret for what could have been!?
What I want to be able to show her most is not the sad bestie stories, except when they are a cautionary tale of course.
What I want to show her most is the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode when Zander has to talk Dark Willow off the ledge of evil.
What I want to show her is that true love in friendship exists.
That she can fight for love, and the person worthy of her will fight back for her, not against her.
I want to show her that people can show themselves to each other and fall in love instead of breaking up.
That sometimes people just need time to grow apart, and grow back together.
So I guess I will live this year watching 90210, as I watch my baby’s form friendships that could potentially cause them heartache.
I will keep letting the love in my own friendships in, without any worry that my man might get stolen, or whatever else this wild world chooses to do to my loved ones.
Even if I do it scared the entire way down.
Cheers to figuring out how to be real friends to real friends.