Is that Heartburn Really Incurable, or are You Just an Asshole?

heartburn Lets preface this post with the whole I am not a Dr, and cannot tell you how to cure your heartburn, but I am a fat girl who has cured her own schpeal so peeps don’t get crazy.

Before OG I was a victim of such bad heartburn I  was diagnosed with GERD, and started taking prescription medication.

I got to tell you looking back at this now I wonder why not one Dr did not tell me in very plain english, that If I wanted to stop having heart burn, then I should stop eating like an asshole.

They tell you don’t eat too close to bed time, quit smoking your Newport Box, Stop drinking carbonated beverages, but not one of them said stop eating like an asshole.

My OB who is the most direct Dr I have out of all of my Dr’s would kind of say this, but in a very politically correct kind of way. So you knew what he meant, but it was easy to shoo it out of they way.

You can tell me that you don’t eat like an asshole.

You just somehow manifest miraculously this debilitating heart burn that makes you question if you are having a heart attack.

But, that would be a  lie.

If you go on a green drink cleanse. Just some green food and water no tricky milk or juices which can be irritants to some folks

I can say very confidently that your awful heartburn is not coming for a visit.

When you tell me at a lunch date where pizza is the main dish that you just have this awful terrible heart burn and have no idea why…

I am going to call you an asshole.

Since we are all assholes sometimes, and pizza is so flipping yummy that you will suffer a few hours of heart attack paranoia just for a bite of it then I will share with you my secret.

Apple Cider Vinegar.

I used to get Braggs, because it’s from the Mother.

Whatever that means.

However, those bastards changed apples, and even though they say it is the same just with new apples I don’t trust them any more.

So, I have just been using a Whole Foods brand that is still organic and about three dollars less.

I simply mix a teaspoon into my huge glass of water and sip away my heart burn.

My kids Dr told me this secret.

He said very casually at one appointment not knowing that he was blowing my mind, that you get heart burn because there is not enough acid in your stomach….

Um where is that tid bit of info on Web MD!?!

Right it isn’t there, because an ad for Prilosec is making them much more money then an add for ACV.

There has only been one time in the three years I have known this ACV trick that I have not been able to get rid of my heart burn.

When I was pregnant for last baby.

I would wake up throwing up acid, but Pregnancy is a strange animal, and what works when you aren’t pregnant does not always work when you are.

There are lots of home remedies for heart burn.

Before you take an artificial pill to do something to your very real body maybe you should ask yourself if you’re just being an asshole?

FYI: this post was inspired by me being an asshole, and eating a chocolate cupcake.

It was even made with no sugar, and has flax seeds instead of eggs ,and it still gave me heartburn, because chocolate hates me.

Tags from the story
, ,
Written By
More from Janika Arel

Lonely Velcro

 Let me say that it is my Birthday week so posts might...
Read More