Almost 36

I get caught up in my head all the time. I lose my ground, or hand it away sometimes, without noticing I did that.

I usually have to be dragged out of places, Once you get me on the road I am a monster at life, but getting me out of the places I find familiar is damn near impossible.

I am sadness. It reverberates in my chest, the ache of anyone’s heart ache, not just my own. I can cry over a Shaun King Instagram post in a second. The state of the world is just one layer of the constant thud of heart ache I feel pulsing around me all the time.

The problem is, I haven’t been creating anything with the sadness.

I have been bathing in it. Pouring it down my throat like Old School Janika would have taken a Dr. Pepper. All the inaction burning up somewhere reminding me of all the things I still don’t have. Painting the scene in rich colors of poverty and lack.

I am Drama, and this year has been about God giving me so many opportunities to turn my life into a 90210 episode. But, I didn’t.  I kept that sadness and didn’t let the anger take control. The sloppy anger searching always for validation, which causes drama.

I am not doing that shit anymore.

Blog Posting things is that final burst of despair trapped in my head looking for a landing, I said it, so it is, so it has to be, because no matter what- I always end up the hero in the story, any other way seems to tragic a label for this particular lifetime, filled with giggles, cries ,and the perpetual odor of pancakes and urine.

I am really good at sad, but I am  trying to have some different things in my life, so I am going to be figuring out how to follow joy, or at least let a little bit of her in at a time until it feels normal.

I have everything I ever wanted in my life. Thanks to a teenager who loved Jesus like he was her number one super hero, manifesting it. I said I would be a stay at home Mom, and I am. I figure if I made that dream come true I should start getting some new goals, because I have it all, and I am still looking for more, and nothing will ever stop that except living this one life with every ounce of heart I have.

I am going to try and stay grateful, to stay full of love, so that when I get squeezed by the world I can shoot some love somewhere, and to do that I have to get out of my own head, because it gets too sad to be alone in here sometimes.

I thought when I grew up I would know more, and I do, but then knowing everything I know just makes life harder, because I have a shit ass attitude towards life, and I have to change that.

So, I am going to order a gluten free pizza, and eat the whole thing, in two days, and eat a quarter of the Ben and Jerrys Dairy Free ice cream, and I am going to be proud of everything I am so far, as I wave good bye, thank you so much for coming, you’re no longer needed here, to all these old patterns.

But, the bitter she runs deep, it’s going to be an interesting decompression, and I really am excited to see what I can do with it all.

I am going to dig up my Punky Power, and do my best. I am also going to hot yoga now, so be on the lookout for my sexy ass, flexing muscles.

ACTUAL MUSCLES!!!!

But, mostly- I am just a girl,  learning how to balance her sadness with enough joy to not waste such a beautiful opportunity at happiness.

Glitter Up, Butter Cups.

<3

 

 

 

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