If you haven’t seen Inside Out you should.
In the movie all the emotions Anger, Joy, Fear, and Disgust are inside the main characters brain responding to situations, and storing memories.
In my own head I have always pictured all the versions of myself living in my brain, responding to situations.
4 Year old Janika with her sweet and compassionate disposition, middle childhood Janika in her plaid shirts and terrible teeth, adolescent Janika with her audacious personality, and inability to see past the moment. All of them up in my head dealing with the moments of our life.
The thing is they all feel like separate entities. Not a cohesive unit working for the greater good.
All these versions of myself running around in my head have to be managed by what I consider to be my real self.
You may have gathered that I left my childhood religion behind me in early adulthood.
That was a tough one to leave behind. Growing out of Christianity was a natural disaster in my head. All the Janikas going crazy that this core belief was breaking down.
What for them was a heinous disaster was something that had to happen.
I wasn’t going to end up cold, and miserable with my beliefs because they were to sad to put away. Holding on to things you’ve outgrown is a sure fire way to become a self medicating version of yourself.
Being the hippie I am, I jumped onto new agey stuff.
The tarot, past lives, meditation, yoga.
It’s where I belong, and it was really hard to admit that. It was really hard to get to this place with my spirituality.
I of coarse hide my tarot cards during family parties.
You know Christians worship a man who died and then rose again from the DEAD, but god forbid we talk about tarot cards, and spirt guides.
That shit is for the devil.
Leaving shit behind that has become a part of who you are is the pits.
This constant battle of the versions of myself wanting to hold on, because how can we ever survive without that particular piece of who we used to be, and my original self telling them to clam the fuck down, and do what we have to do.
The original self spewing slogans like “Life starts outside of your comfort zone.”
Trying to get all the Janikas amped up on change.
The shitty part is that you know deep down inside that you will let it go, because the thought of turning to meth, and losing your teeth, and perfect skin tone is not an option.
It is all just growing pains.
On my walk this morning when I was thinking of the constant growing pains you go through I started to think about how hard it’s going to be when all these kids start leaving the house. Man I think letting go of Jesus was hard I can only imagine what it will be like to put a lid on a version of myself that has consumed my entire life.
I will adjust to that too.
Not just because I am vain, but because there is a whole life out there waiting to see what we do next.
