what changed me

What Changed Me.

 What Changed me was when my friend Elana died.

I dove off the edge of  the humanity I was living in.

This whack into the reality of what living as a person really was all about so devastatingly close to my sweet little privileged life. 

When Elana left her stardust body for the ether it forced me to be someone different. 

Not all at once, not in an instant, but looking back from here almost 6 years later I can see the way it set my transformation off.

Before this It was like I was in a fake it till you make it- idea of being a person.

I mean we all walk around pretending to be grateful, present, ect, but like.. How true is that?

Buying the sign at the home store, or even etsy doesn’t  make it so, folks.

I was the sigh buyer, but like never buying those signs -because god forbid I have anything anyone else has.

Like those porch signs that say porch…

I hate those. 

I want one for my bathroom that says bathroom. 

Thanks for labeling your porch for me.

I had no idea I was on a porch………

Moving on.

In my heart I was living like that Live Laugh Love bullshit might have stayed off my wall, but the meaning was in my life.

Becoming an adult really had me living in a way I thought I should. 

Do these things this way, even if you don’t really think they should be done that way. 

You can’t wear that anymore, you are a mother.

You have to stay hot though because you are a girl. 

You can’t say that to this person.

You have to act this way towards this person who doesn’t really like you. 

The unwritten laws of being a person were and are endless.

When Elana Died it was this revelation that I really could die at any minute.

LIKE, REALLY REALLY! and was this what I wanted? 

Wasn’t I tired?!?!

I was.

I’m not anymore.

Since Elana died I have rediscovered this sense of humor that she always reinforced for me when we were in a pack.

 I hear her now so clearly from wherever she is around me making the remark that shakes my own sense of humor and optimism awake. 

Never to rest again.

Her aquarian nature reminds me to rebel on, and be a little inappropriate while doing it. 

Before Elana died I was trying to fit into the adult I thought I was supposed to be, instead of being the grown up I was meant to be.

This one friendship has weaved a story through my adult grown up life so intricate, and so profound and that’s the thing about life.

You don’t know how the story ends- so you can’t tell that particular story fully until it does. 

 Life is just about living.

That is really what losing Elana to only memories has really shown me.

It is about now.

Not about impressing someone with a new top later.

It got me off the fake it and into the I don’t even want to play it -mindset I am sitting in now. 

On my rocker with my pre roll ,sign behind me saying IDGAF. 

Cheers to the storys ended, never ending, and yet to begin.

Praying we all learn to let the magic in.





On Key

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