poohI do not like to share my children.

To the point that I want to pull OG out of school and home school the rest of the year, because I find  his first grade experience thus far to be lack luster.

My child does not need to spend 6 hours in a loveless place.

My Dad offered to hang with Lady Baby and Last Baby who has been a sick, miserable, pain in the ass.

I told him I would be back in a few hours.

When I got back  in 1 he yelled.

“What are you doing home? Don’t you think I can handle the kids.”

He was really offended with me.

The thing is it isn’t because I think other people cannot handle it. It really is that I do not want to give it up.

It is not the first time, and I am sure it won’t be the last that my need to be in control gets confused with the fact that I do not want to share the moments I have with my small babies.

At a party over the summer one of my Aunts offered to put Last Baby to bed so I could stay and host.

I declined the offer.

I never share Last Babies bed time routine. I barely share it with the Hubbs, and he has to ask many times before I agree.

If you used the word selfish I wouldn’t be offended.

We are getting ready to head to California to visit Older Cousin next week.

This entire week will be spent breaking into tearful moments.

I tucked in Lady Baby for nap time. We did our ritual hugs, pounds,high five.

As I shut the door I could feel my eyes well up.

All the nap time rituals I was going to miss looming in the distance.

Breaking little pieces of my heart off.

Not guilt heartbreaking .

I do feel obligated to my babies, but not at the expense of self care.

Much to the Hubbs dismay self care for me would be a morning marathon of Supernatural in my bed, or a dinner date. Not a weekend spent on the other side of the country.

He on the other hand needs more time away then that.

I want to spend all day every day wrapped up in this time. On the floor holding last baby up against the table as he shakily tries to cruise, while playing play dough with Lady Baby.

I want to be outside waiting for OG babies bus every day.

I want to spend my days in awe of how many air head things Uncle Jassy can think of.

Watching the leaves fall and hearing the kids laughing, screaming, and being little assholes.

I am Grateful that I have created a life I do not want to be away from.

I’m sorry to all my loved ones who only get to hold Last Baby for three minutes before I reach for him. It isn’t because I find you incapable. It really is just because I’m selfish, or Im just not self aware enough to realize It is because I’m a control freak…  Either way Im not sharing!





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