Almost 41.
My last almost was 36.
Jeez.
How is it only five years, yet feels like I got so much older?
For me the back half of my thirties got real serious.
I def think I have the wrinkles to prove it, but my kids tell me I am being ridiculous, and I don’t have any wrinkles. Even my esthetician, who god only knows what is zapping and pulling my face with, for my hydra facial tells me I don’t have any wrinkles.
I can feel the wrinkles though.
I watched one appear over night a few days after my Mom died like a little souvenir of grief and stress.
Honestly, the last five years have been wild.
Look at these repetitive sentences in the blog posts. Maybe its lazy writing, but thats the word I like for it.
What pops in my head when I look back that way is a dust bowl in a bad cowboy western movie. Me no horse, empty gun, disheveled hat, on the other side of it looking back like girllllllll, we have been through some shit though.
Some wild shit, and not the fun kind. With foam, and glow sticks and pizza.
I had to do a lot of boundary work after we talked last.
I had to do so many things that were so unbelievably hard for my sweet heart to do.
I had to cut off some people and learn to live with that being what was best for me.
I had to say no.
I had to say, no I think that is bullshit.
I had to say, you have to leave.
I had to say, no I don’t want to.
I had to say it doesn’t matter that we are family you cant do me that way.
I had to say no I cant.
I had to say I’m tired I need to lay down instead.
I had to stop talking about things with other people just to keep the social conversation going.
I didn’t want to talk about everyone else’s business anymore. I didn’t want to update folks on the news of the other folks in my life. I didn’t want to talk about celebrity outfits or dramas. I didn’t want to update folks on my life on social media only to watch them avert eyes and do the duck and run in the grocery store.
I had to back all the way up.
I like to do hard things alone so a lot of the folks who made the cut off rounds cut me off for being quiet and distant.
But, I was never alone.
Before my world started to blow up the “Lord”,” Divine”- whatever word you like had set up the playing field to infact bring me the friends I used to dream talk about to my best friend at the time.
I learned to trust my intuition. I learned to hear the messages more clearly even when I disagreed with the route. Which is still a thing. I am in fact da most stubborn, and I often do what the ether advises me is something I could avoid.
Almost 41 is a breath of fresh air.
The air even thirty nine year old me couldn’t imagine taking. Thirty nine was still so heart broken from The things she had to claw herself away from, the things she hated to leave behind.
I had to really start choosing myself, and taking care of myself instead of taking care of everyone else that was in my world. Putting everyone’s emotional needs above the ones I didn’t even know I had. ( air moon problems)
I had to take a lot of side eye, behind the back shit talking, a lot of people not understanding what I was doing, and thinking it was about them. But, really I just had to put myself in the number one spot from the inside out.
I am still working through some trauma though.
I don’t use the word best friend outside of my marriage these days. I don’t use it or its less emotive synonyms out loud for any reason unless I am telling a past story about a past best friend or talking about my man. Every time I think to even use it it stops coming out of my mouth making for an awkward “This is my B.. uh really good friend “
One could lie and say I don’t like labels but really I think with what I know now I cant claim who my best friend is -because the rides not over yet.
What I have learned about best friends is periods of time claim a person, while other periods of time do not, and a lot of folks have a hard time flowing together, but I’m not looking for that anymore.
Best friends are a lot like boyfriends it would seem in the way the word begs for exclusivity, and I always thought finding a boy was just timing and proximity -so that’s what I’m going with when it comes to my best friends going forward. With all the people in my life going forward.
I mean that thinking found me my Husband and he is really the bestest best friend I have ever had.
Almost 41 is walking out of that dust bowl mess and on to brighter days. Lighter days. Days that finally start to show me why I did all that boundary work to begin with.
So I could come back and tell you, and hopefully save you from paying a certified, by whom I wonder, life coach obscene prices to fix you for your relationships.
xoxoxoxo
