I had not looked back on my life with shame until I was deep in my thirties. My friend Elana died in 2017 and in that cliche kind of way as she was exiting the world she was also waking me up to it.
She was so young. So just alive. So gone.
It just made the fact that death comes for us all, loom a little more in my face than I had been living.
I would not know it then but in dealing with grief I was deeply fortified with courage to take a good long look at my life which could end at any moment to any tragedy.
Now at this time I am on the verge of a crash out.
No one would ever know this about me.
I have a Mars in Scorpio in house 1 and 2 so I am not sharing my struggles out loud even if I wanted to. it is disgusting to me to do so. I used to limit the truth to the people who could see it, and those people still all thought I was just handling life like a the grand champion I am.
Maybe I was, but when I look back at so much of my Wife and Mom life I cringe.
Back then I had achieved all goals and was onto chase dreams. I was an upstanding citizen who was considerate, thoughtful, and available.
I was praised for my Mothering, my good deeeds, my willingness to help, my good looks, and so many other things that my Venus in Leo eats up like a sloth and not the cute slow kind.
I was also beat up from births, stressed under the pressure of my mercury signs perfection issues, unsatisfied, and uninformed.
This is the before Astrology life the one where I was always chasing, saving, smiling.
Elana Died and I was already on the cusp of becoming the Metaphysical Goddess I am, but I still did not understand my own pitfalls and nuances.
I was still chasing. Still spending too much time “catching up” with folks by telling them other folks business. I was still involving myself, fixing, searching for a way to make people feel better when they were around me.
I found tarot and it told me to back up on everyone and everything I had ever invested in and take a wide look at what I was really doing with my time, when all I ever felt was left out. Including my own Mother who was stuck in a never ending cycle of addiction that had taken her to new levels.
It also told me to do this with out drama or resentment, which would have been impossible for the me who did not know astrology.
I have spent the last seven years of my life looking back at everything I had done since I got married and feeling slightly horrified at how much of my life I had given away to a society I did not want to play in.
I was the best at being who they said I should be and not one bit the person I was, and that person I was supposed to be being was the same one I had always been told to hide and put away in public, to put away because she was rude, harsh, too much.
So I dipped my whole self in and started a right arm sleeve. I shaved my head. I put all my phone notifications on silent. I changed my number. I stopped talking. I stopped trying. I stopped planning. I kicked folks out of my house and out of my life. I backed up on people.
I got back to me.
The one thing I learned from my astrology that helped with all the horrifying tarot news is that what I was asking for was never where I had been, and that going out looking for it would put me on the outside of a lot of places that used to be my inside, but the inside was always poison.
Knowing my astrology had me pushing to do hard things when it came to leaving people. It had me knowing that I was always meant to love myself more than anyone in my life could ever. It taught me to trust as everyone around me decided I was a bad person for the choices I made.
I had always been such a good girl, and now I had declared that I would just be myself, and she was def a bit of a bad girl, and she was always meant to stand on that not hide it.
People loved me for what I could give them. They loved me for how I made them feel. Is not that almost all your associations? What is the point of people if it is not for these two things?
I had to learn to make sure not to give to a crowd who did not have the ability to reciprocate.
Wasn’t I already a Mother and Wife? How much did I even have to give?
Elana left the human but she never left the world. She is always around me still waking me up, reminding me that the truth is the only guide post that matters and what it looks like to everyone else is just noise.
My chart is my backup. I know what I came here to do, and comparing it to what anyone is doing out here is nothing but a distraction.
My tarot is my guidepost always telling me truths I have to get real mature to see through.
But it is hard. Lord is it hard. LORD BABY JESUS.
Keep doing hard things. That is how you build a muscle.
No taming the truths in your hearts this season my loves.
