Simply Become Who You Are.

janika_courageI live in a metaphorical battle.

A story happening deep on the inside of who I am fit for a science fiction novel.

 A power shift is about to go down in here, and every day I  am aware of this mystical crusade going on between the last bits of what society considers normal vs the eccentric nut job who is exactly who I was born to be.

All of our home school stuff came in today. I am elated and terrified.

I can feel this pulsing in my soul that immediately sends a wave of victory over me that is dropped kicked aside by sheer horror.

The critical voices running wild in my head, kindly reminding me that I am not good enough to do this. I mean sometimes I even confuse your with you’re.

This past year these voices have been met by this part of me that knows everything I am is on the other side of this. This brave piece of me that has been making her way up to the control center of my conscience. 

I look at my sweet boy and wonder if he knows how big a deal this all is? What a big deal he is?  OG is an old soul. I can see that just by looking in his soft brown eyes, so there is a really good chance that somewhere deep down past his own “normal” person he knows.

He is the one that pushes me out of every comfort zone I have established for my very comfortable snack eating, wrestling watching self. He has forced me to reach for all those things I know I am capable of but talk myself out of doing. I only hope that as he grows older I can repay him. I pray that the gods plan is for me to be here to make his dreams come true the way he has made all of mine a reality.

I sense that truly authentic part of myself as a strength that logically I always knew I had, but sometimes I thought maybe I was just making it up. I am a fan girl after all. Prone to drama that is encased in the supernatural. How can I say with a straight face that I picked up these two crystals I bought at the local flea market and felt a surge of raw energy come off them. It shook me a little and I tossed them down doing a scan for my sanity. I may have thought get the salt… (#whyarentyouwatchingsupernatural?)

 How awkward it  is to become a believer.

I’m so scared of all of it.

I’m scared, but when I go to write what I am scared of I can’t say. Everything I say after the words I’m scared feel fake. They feel weak and rehearsed like they don’t even belong to me. That’s how I know the war is being one by the magical part me.

I am grateful and ashamed that I spend this lifetime being trapped inside these first world problems. Thank you sweet baby Jesus that I can figure all this stuff out sipping a mason jar full of clean water with a splash of apple cider vinegar, listening to Monday Night Raw, with the central air blasting.

The guilty part of me is reminded of all the work I  still have to do.

How am I ever going to figure out how to be thankful without feeling guilty?

That shit is going to be way  harder than becoming who I am.



On Key

Related Posts

evelyn and the paper dolls

Evelyn & The Paper Dolls

Maybe being, feeling, wanting -it all ebbs and flows, so I  shouldn’t want to settle on anything.  Maybe I am Just supposed to try lots of stuff on. Opinions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas, try them on and see how they feel, and I shouldn’t let any of those be set in stone, only On paper for my big art journal or for the wall!

Jae Arel

Snowflakes are the Problem

I think Snowflakes are the Problem. I remember hearing the quote about snowflakes, you know the one that says they look the same far away,

real friends

Real Friends

My Daughter turned 10 early this year, and I noticed her start to change the way she treated her friendships. I of course turned to

Turning 40

  Turning 40 was well, I would say my welcome to the fourth floor was pretty rough. Let’s be real, every flipping welcome to adulthood

here we go again

Here We Go Again

We all do Stupid things we wish we would stop doing. Cue Here We Go Again from DMX, and mount up for another cycle of