I sit in the middle of perfect chaos and beg to tuck all of it away in my mind. Nestle it quickly into the crevices of my soul so I will never forget. I never want to forget these days of following after a toddler monster through the halls of the children’s museum. Breathless, and nervous that he will crash into a smaller kid, or get pummeled by a bigger one.
I want to can up his giggle as he watches pastel scarves and big pom pom balls shoot out of tubes.
I never want to forget the way Lady Baby says things like croissant. I want to store it somewhere close so that I can reach in and grab for it when these years have gone by.
I want to bask in the sunlit memories of my babies running around this house hooting, and dancing to WWE superstars entrance music. I want to spend countless amounts of future hours being able to recount these blissful details with remarkable accuracy.
If I had a pause button I would use it, maybe not forever, but for some days. Days like today when adventure takes priority over laundry.
I love being a Mother. I love it more than I have ever loved anything.
I love to show these kids the world from my point of view, and listen to them tell me how they see it. I love watching them grow up even though it causes tears to cascade down my face uncontrollably.
I fear these are the best times of my life.
Not to say there will not be room for splendid escapades once I am done raising small children, but there will never be this time again. This time when a small person looks at me like I am the sun. When hugs, and smiles seem to be in endless supply. This time when I love so hard I think my heart will explode.
I will not trade these days. I will not give up days spent making obstacle courses from yoga blocks, and painting on the porch. I will not give up library explorations and museum exploits. Even on the days that make me wish I had a job outside the house. I am doing exactly what I want to do.
Here is the dark side of this full-time mothering vocation for me. I have given up so many social aspects of myself in order to spend my days in this paradise. I have lost many a relationship. I have lost many a hobby. Mostly hobbies like spending a few hours at Target with a Starbucks, or reading books until my eyes seem to be bleeding.
And, that’s ok.
One day these kids will be all over the world tearing shit up, and I will have time enough to dust off old hobbies, have new experiences and new people.
I have already begun to plan for it actually. The Hubbs and I will spend countless hours curled up on the front porch of our country home doing NOTHING. These fantasies get me through some of those treacherous parenting days when wine makes an appearance at noon.
Until then you can find me kicking the shit out of this mothering thing with no regrets.