I have a book in my bathroom called “14,000 things to be happy about.”
It was a Christmas gift from my Aunt who had just been diagnosed with cancer. This Aunt was a very thoughtful gift giver, and inside she wrote:
“ Janika, Of all my nieces and nephews, you’re the one always spreading cheer and happiness!
So, keep it up girl.”
In that very arrogant, too much Kanye on my Libra rising scales, kind of way -I just thought, well duh,(accentuate that h, Clueless style) why would I ever need this book, if I am always smiling?
Life does have a way of punching you in the teeth, and I am grateful my Aunt saw that lesson too.
I still get the “you look so happy all the time, I always feel better when I am with you” compliments, but man…. I feel like a half-energized care bear all the time.
Some days it’s hard to even muster the vulnerability to sprinkle that kind of cheer on my own amazing self, let alone go out in the general population.
Today I woke up miserable, I just wake up that way sometimes. I have to remind myself constantly to not be a butt hole when I have to interact with the world on these days, because I can be mad in the world, and not mad at the word. Last Baby lost his mind from sleepiness, and I abandoned his fit of rage to go pee, and check on my Sims…..
When I stood up, I looked out the window at the bird feeder, like I always do, and the Grackles came back.
I have been monitoring my bird feeder like an old biddy for a sight of them. It has been on my mind, these birds, like some needed sign from the Lord that a new season is coming. I have been so crazy for these birds that I got jealous at my acupuncturist when he told me his had come back weeks ago when I was there last week….
I cheered like the old lady Mom that I am. My raging sleep monster kid came into dance with me, and then started crying again when he realised he had been happy for a second. I reached down to collect the outdated magazines from the rack, because that is more productive than noticing a too old for diapers three year old, who is having a melt down, and saw the book my Aunt gave me- dusty, and dog eared. I opened it up to read those words.
Keep it up girl.
So, simple a solution.
Keep it up girl.
I flipped the book open, and smiled as I remember all the things I am grateful for, Gratitude the original behavior for taking the edge off.
Just a quick thought to Dean Winchester, hot water, bakery pizza, beaches in a half hour drive, the new Logic album, flip flops, baby snuggles- all the misery getting me down isn’t looking so bad. Still present, needing to be dealt with, but not so urgent in the grand scheme of things.
I am bitter, and pissed off a lot of the time. I am not looking to validate that bullshit. I am looking to acknowledge the feelings and sprinkle glitter on that shit, and yes, in some cases it will still be shit, but at least it will sparkle.
I have been finding things over these years – My Jesus, my dreams, my little nine year-old self ,who wore a hat, and sat behind a type writer dreaming of novels.
Some days are harder than others, for reasons I cannot understand at all. Hormones, gluten, or this deep pulsating sense of loss that keeps haunting me, and making me think I am either really empathic, or a drama queen….. or if the pulsating is just my overwhelming desire to hide in my bed and watch Supernatural.
Who can say sometimes, what it is really?
It just all sucks.
Whatever it is I know if I wait it out long enough there’s always a sign of bright, sunshine, love tucked away somewhere waiting for me to see it. For me today they were hiding in migrant birds returning home, and wise Christmas gifts.
Till I get there I am going to stay focused on the sparkles, even if it smells funny. I am going to keep remembering that gratitude and settling are two different things, and even when I hate the world for no apparent reason at all, I still get to choose how I act in it.