I Only Feel Fat and Ugly on the Inside.

wrenbeachI only feel ugly on the inside.

When I have a list of things a pile high that I want to accomplish.  Fumbling around the house with a million projects at the starting point.

I only feel fat on the inside. I can feel the weight of the tasks transforming into rolled up skin and circling my body. Looking for the perfect place to settle down on.

I only feel ugly when I look at the details of my life floating off the shelves and whirling around the room into spots they don’t belong in.

Getting lost and dusty. Everything gets so out of place.

I only feel ugly on the inside. When the discouragement sets in.

When I feel trapped in the quick sand of my expectations.

As if I have to accomplish any of these things.

As if my life depends on  having a clean bathroom or clean walls.

I only feel ugly at these times.

I can hear my mind trying to convince my body to stop struggling.

That I am not really drowning .

I just need to stop to slow down.

If you fight the wave it only kills you faster. The answer is in the in-between.

The solution is in the peace.

I never feel ugly when I look in the mirror. Even when I am in search of the perfect cardigan to cover up my back fat.

I never feel ugly in a bathings suit, because even though I have no back fat cover I still have marvelous legs and a perfect smile.  I never feel ugly when I look in the mirror.

I only feel ugly on the inside.

When I am failing at the goals I set up for myself.

I only feel ugly when I am not doing things to be who I am.

Still living in this acceptance of a person I don’t want to be.

Fighting to shed a layer of skin. One more step on the ladder to actualizing who I want to be when I grow up.

Who I want my children to remember.

I only feel ugly when I know I am not trying smart enough.

Thinking that working hard . Pushing up against the strength of the encompassing wave is the answer.

Never thinking, but always knowing that the solution is in the quiet places. In the non movement.

The solution is in the peace.

Looking for a balance with out having any stability. Shaking and falling as I go. The answer in the peace is always the same. It echoes against the crashing waves of my soul.

“Thank You.”

Thankful that my struggle is about clean walls and nap schedules. My struggle is about the details that make my life a dream come true.

The way through is in the quiet spaces.


On Key

Related Posts

evelyn and the paper dolls

Evelyn & The Paper Dolls

Maybe being, feeling, wanting -it all ebbs and flows, so I  shouldn’t want to settle on anything.  Maybe I am Just supposed to try lots of stuff on. Opinions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas, try them on and see how they feel, and I shouldn’t let any of those be set in stone, only On paper for my big art journal or for the wall!

Jae Arel

Snowflakes are the Problem

I think Snowflakes are the Problem. I remember hearing the quote about snowflakes, you know the one that says they look the same far away,

real friends

Real Friends

My Daughter turned 10 early this year, and I noticed her start to change the way she treated her friendships. I of course turned to

Turning 40

  Turning 40 was well, I would say my welcome to the fourth floor was pretty rough. Let’s be real, every flipping welcome to adulthood

here we go again

Here We Go Again

We all do Stupid things we wish we would stop doing. Cue Here We Go Again from DMX, and mount up for another cycle of