I was thinking of the things I’m still in love with, and with me talking so much about how I am different,
I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t the same at all.
I’m still very much the same.
I still love wrestling, read voraciously, move my house around every few weeks, eat too many chips, and acquire many animals to live in my home with me.
I still walk a ridiculous amount of steps, I still watch Supernatural over and over again, I still ask my tarot cards the same questions too many times in a row.
I still have fourteen physical books piled up on my to read shelf collecting dust since forever, because I prefer a digital in the dark read.
I still send the best snail mail, I still visit my Grandma mostly every other Sunday, I still make everything a joke.
I still get tacky on a holiday, I still cry during country music, commercials, and anything heartwarming, I still tell people to f off while I’m driving.
I still feel best in a library, I still love the smell of acrylic nails, I still stop for stickers.
I still cut my hair off on a whim, I still get gloomy for no reason, I still wake up and head out for adventures in different states because I felt like it.
I am still so pretty, witty, and inspiring too.
I like to jot these things down when I feel far away from myself.
When the voices in my head lean towards self deprecating.
I like to color around them in shimmer shades of gold.
These things remind me of a girl who has always been here, and for me that always feels better than the one who has to go.
Leaving behind the shells of all the things we loved that we couldn’t take with us.
A girl like me loves to hold onto these simple things that have somehow managed to outlast the rest.
I like to run my finger across them and remember the ghosts.
No matter how many things remain- the ones lost will always thud silently in the background reminding me of the imperfections in the humaning.
The Lament though.
I still like to learn new words, I still feel like a T-rex on the inside, I still love all the Austin Powers Movies, say Oopsie and feel safest next to Winnie the Pooh.
I still belt out Cher any time she is on.
I still think the best way to brighten my day is to look in the mirror.
I still think I can do whatever I want.
I’m still a self righteous pain in the ass.
Reminding myself where I stayed the same helps me.
Because I tend to hold on, did I mention that already?
Well, I have learned that instead of always working on letting go, I maybe had to learn what to hold on to instead.
So, I hold on any time something that once brought a version of my younger self a sense of peace still does.
That’s all a hopeless romantic ever wants isn’t it?
A True idealist will strive for that forever, and I am destined to this fate, so my birth chart, and feelings have told me.
Willingly, these days I march into life knowing that I am a serious idealist, and I wont stop trying for the ideals I can imagine in my mind, but I will loosen up on the things not meant to be forever.
Cause I know now that you can’t miss what’s yours, but it is still hard to remember all the time.
To end this nod to the outlasting _ I still love DMX, sleep with a teddy bear, and wear a shit ton of graphic tees.
xoxoxo
