I love astrology because it tells you what is brewing in your own subconscious even if it isn’t something you want to deal with.
It reminds me life is an endless circle over and over even if the scenery is different it is still the same pattern asking to be looked at before you get to change levels in the next infinity loop that your life becomes.
The patterns ask us to look at 1996 and 2018.
In 1996 I got contacts braces and left the only real friend I had made a that point to rock with the hot popular girls.
I claimed my throne as hot girl and would go on to steal boyfriends from girls who waited in the car for him to come back and dump her.
The Power of pretty was my drug and I rode that as far as the fat girl in the group ever can when she has the prettiest face of them all, but I always wondered what the version of me who stayed with that friend could have been.
By 2018 I was still using my pretty privilege to fit in and be that perfect stay at home mom wife, Portuguese daughter and friend. but everything was cracking around me as I fit to stay in the pretty boxes my libra risings begs of me.
In 1996 I traded authenticity for the power of pretty the power of being desired.
In 2018 I was just starting to become the rebellious maverick I am today.
I had to watch my thirty four year old homie die in her bed tucked in with all the fluff and Victoria Secret-Listening to pop music in the middle of her condo living room waiting to exit the star dust body that took her life. That one really did it for me. All the ways we try to be perfect and yet still a rare cancer can just come and wipe out your life.
I started to kick people and organizations out of me life after that.
I had been sucked into a homeschool group and marked for a President position that was only to be a shell, for them to find out I am never anyone’s shell for anything.
I was losing everyone close to me when i realised I was only important if I was giving something my time, my inspiration, my help.
Then they came for the one person I never thought they could take, but that was 2018 when I didn’t know astrology the way I do now.
My last ex bestie as I like to call her would hit the fate train of exits in my inner circle that Spring, and I would take the final dramatic hammer to it right before the summer turned to fall that year. I bring her up because the concept of Power is a big thing now.
The only post she still has me tagged in on IG after removing every single like to every single post I ever made is one that has her shadow taking a picture of the cement walkways in our capital city. The words POWE are written in the cement but someone has added an R to the end of it. So it says POWER. We were on a bestie city date that day. I think I broke a flip flop.
This always pokes the bear for me if I’m being a truly honest person.
I want to untag myself, or comment something rude, but I know that is a dumb game my basic astrology wants to play and if I am being an above it all kind of creature I have to remember what pokes the bear is not worth the time in some cases, but I still ruminant it at night and what it actually means to me.
I would find out many years later because of studying astrology that I was a girl doomed to become indispensable to everyone around her. To be left invisible and always alone. The one who would have to tell people to get all the way away from me with their loyalty tests and gaslighting guild trips.
Back then in 2018 It just felt hard, sad. I would have to do this to a lot of folks, and it left me talked about behind my back for giving up on family and friends, when in reality I was stepping into my power and living out my north node.
I know that one post being still tagged which will end up untagged in a few months after I am sure she stumbles upon this and reads it, and hates that I noticed that when I have and always did notice everything. I know that post being tagged has more to do with a bigger theme then what she means it to be.
Since this time period is so lit up in the astro I have been thinking on it more and more, what it meant to be in your power and how that would be different for almost all of us if we looked at our own astrology.
For me The Power was in how much it hurt to rip that one away from me. More than my mother who could never stop drinking, more than my cousin who called me the c word online, more than all the ways I had ever been left out and not included.
The Power is in letting the truth be the truth.
The Power is in recognising it pokes my bear.
The Power is in letting it be what it was and understanding sometimes the greatest loves are just a lesson in what you deserve and what you will have to walk away from.
The Power is in knowing everything we do in the dark eventually comes to the light.
The Power is in knowing I have no need to flex my power over anyone’s petty feelings because I want to live a peaceful life.
In looking at where we have come from and where we are going I am so blessed to know I was never wrong to leave anyone behind, I was only wrong to feel bad about it. I know now that Power is just another word made up by man to feel above it all, and i am not here to prove I am above it. I am here to show what it looks like to live that way.
