in 2018 I needed to stop blogging because I didn’t know how I was feeling. I obviously pour out my feelings in a blog like a journal, but I had no idea how I felt in my core back then. I was breaking down on the inside. I had this moment after my friend Elana died that felt so undeniably out of time. I was so unhappy in a life of my own making. This life, though, was coated with the example I was told to follow in order to be considered a “good” person in the eyes of other people. All of a sudden, I was looking at my young, vibrant, slightly perverted friend die in her living room of cancer, meanwhile me and my healthy breathing self was out there living for what I thought was right , and right was dictated by someone else’s ideas. Death was trying to teach me something, but I was afraid of her, because death and loss are not really something our modern day society does very well.
Sure at the time I should have known this was divine timing of my chart, There is always some brutal catalyst we think of as a surprise that was really just a moment in our astrology. My own birth chart, the astrolgyof the times mixed with society, mixed with being a first generation American, raised by a Mom who learned English by watching soap operas, and I was left not looking to Death as a teacher, I was looking at my life in a panic. It felt like a shockwave of reality to my system and I wanted to immediately stop living for others, and start living for myself.
These times would include some shocking acts to the folks watching my life from the outside including; kicking my parents out of my house like an intervention episode, not talking to endless family members who decided that family meant treating people however they wanted and then expecting them to be there, ridding myself of obligations I was no longer legally obligated too, quitting, ghosting, changing my phone number, walking out aggressively on any, and everything making my nervous system feel unsafe, and anything that triggered drama in my very real life. Then, when that was over, I still had to get rid of things I loved, and my nervous system was like oh nope, that’s actually a big fat nope.
I mention this because The Taurus full moon will ask you if you have the best. The most of what you really want, not what you think you want, what your life really ,really wants, and when you notice you do not- then the cycle of endings will be called upon.
We are in a cycle that is just the astrological timing, as nautrual as the weather, and we are being asked to let go of places, people, and things in our life no longer serving us and our future, but we need to do it with more care then we had back in 17/18, as these days we still need the people we are being asked to disengage from. If you were lucky enough to start shedding things in 17 and have learned to let go of things as a natural life cycle, congratulations my darlings, but it is time to start showing the people it’s possible as they file into your line for life advice on hard endings.
Some folks held on then and still need to rid themselves of something in totality and doing that gracefully tends to be hard in this everything offends everyone world we are living in. In a time where divisibility is easy, we are asked to find a peaceful middle ground, or at least a peaceful disposition, even if the other people involved are on some Bravo shit.
This time around the drama must be diffused, as the choices are to keep us on our true hearts path. We have an opportunity to let things die with the grace and reverence that beautiful things deserve.
Death has been teaching me much since I said farewell to my Elana Muffin in early October in 2017. I spent years watching relationships I had once held dear, including my ideals of what a good Portuguese daughter should be die and leave me a person I never even dreamed of. Then Death came for my Mom and I was left in my own estate sale the one where its my Moms things. It had me dig out all my old journals and start the process of reading them and once they are read they are getting burned up in a fire in the back yard by my living self. We all end up a box of stuff some pilager is drooling to go through, and I wont have any of that if I can help it.
I know how I feel again, and maybe one day I won’t, but for now I have to be here to remind yall to stop being so offended by everything, because we all just end up dead and a box of stuff some thrifter can’t wait to resell. The only change you can make comes from the inside. Stop worrying what it looks like. Have some fun. Death has much to teach us, but we have to stop being so afraid of it.
Glitter Up Butter Cups we Have a World to Save. We do it by just being ourselves, not who they told us to be.
Stay Rebellious, and Open to Being Wrong.
xoxoxoxo
