I never thought about breast feeding OG baby. I said I did back then, but really the thought was so fleeting it should not have been considered an actual thought. I knew I was not going to breast feed him , and that was that. It was only 6 years ago, but the hospitals weren’t pushing breast feeding like they do now so I didn’t have to deal with scary lactation consultants making you feel like a baby killer for not breast feeding. Lady Baby I attempted to breast feed, and failed. I had no blood, which meant no milk. By her first weigh in she was too small and they recommend I supplement while trying to feed her still. Well Bottles won because they were easier. Cue last baby. I needed to breast feed him. I had grown so much in the 6 years since I became a Mom. Lady babies short two weeks of breast feeding had seemed to guard her against every bug that came around us for her entire first year,where as OG baby almost needed tubes in his ears before his second birthday. Plus burning an extra 500 calories a day… um yes please.
Last baby latched right away. Did this amazing breast crawl across my body. Perfection, and then he wouldn’t stop crying. For the ENTIRE first twelve hours of his life he cried every time he wasn’t eating. Well this isn’t my first rodeo people, so I gave him an ounce of formula. He slept for 4 hours. Of coarse the lactation consultant came in and told me that was a terrible idea, and blah blah blah blah blah. I told her thank you have a nice day. I had no intention of exclusively formula feeding. I also knew that I needed sleep.
Last Babies hematoma was causing extreme jaundice and he had to go under the lights. The problem with nursing is you have to take them off of the lights to nurse. Taking him out makes staying in the lights last longer. If you have ever had the displeasure of not being able to hold your newborn baby for 16 straight hours as he cries in a baby tanning booth right next to you be grateful. I decided to not nurse him and pump. I also fed him formula during this horrible time that hurts to think about. My heart goes out to all the NICU Moms. My Whiny ass is crying about two 16 hour instances, and they have to suffer this for months.
By day 2 Last baby wouldn’t latch. I got him home kept trying he kept telling me to screw. Why wouldn’t he? Bottles make life easy and humans love easy. So I kept pumping. Every 2 hours no matter what. At my postpartum appointment week 4 I told the Dr I was pumping and he said most people who pump exclusively wont make it a whole year. My pediatrician said the same thing. After living through the first six weeks I know why. I know why people throw in the towel with breast feeding in general. It sucks, and its so hard that you wonder how in the gods holy name we ever made it as a species. I’m positive I let a few babies starve to death in a past life. That first 6 weeks was a battle, but something about Last Babies entire existence was about winning battles. There is no try only do was what I would tell myself in the shower mid sob, boarder line ready to give up. I put my head down, I trusted my husband not to leave me even though I was a horrible human being to him, I looked up breast feeding support blogs, and I kept pumping.
I was always going to end up being a pumper. The way we sleep train calls for measurable ounces. ( My babies sleep 12 hours a night. I will teach you my secrets eventually) I figured when he was old enough we would just go that way, but I figured that would be at 12 weeks not day 2. I felt like a dairy cow, and so many times I wanted to quit, but I read something that said never quit on a bad day, and a dear friend who breast fed told me to give myself small goals. I can make it three more days. I can make it two more weeks. She said before I knew it I would be on the other side of the beginning.
My kid is 15 weeks today. I made it 15 weeks. I still have to give him 2 ounces of formula a day. The week of my period its worse. He gets about 7 ounces a day during that week, but I keep pumping, because there is something about feeding your baby. Being proud these days consists of full 5 ounce breast milk bottles in the fridge. There is nothing like it really. I cant say whether or not Im missing out on the nursing experience. I’m sure I am missing out on something precious, but sleeping is more important to me at this point in my life.
The struggle is real my friends.I can tell you if Hubbs wasn’t Hubbs I might not have made it. He never told me to quit even when I reverted into adolescent Janika, and started throwing things at his head. Anyone going through it needs a hug, and these fun pumping awards! Spread some love.
Keep going you’re almost there. <3
