Im sitting here looking at my calendar. May 21 circled and looming.  Causing my stomach to flip. That’s it. That’s the day that we are done having babies.

Hubbs is going in for his vasectomy. A quick 15 minute procedure will put a period at the end of our baby making sentence.

On the other side of me is a picture wall. There must be at least 25 pictures placed haphazardly across the wall. I never use a pencil to mark the perfectly aligned places, and most of the time a picture is tilting to one side. I would fix them more often if I wasn’t distracted by whats inside.

My babies.

We have 4 children already. I myself lived the privileged only child life. I went from a peaceful, selfish existence to a circus that runs from sun up to bed time. I can feel my Portuguese Grandmother shaking her head in disapproval every time I notice how dirty the base boards are, or how much splatter is on the wall of the dining room at toddler level. Lately Lady Baby has assumed her terrible toddler role and spends afternoons channeling her inner she hulk. The smallest emotion will send her clothes ripping off and her face turning green. We have school stuff, activities, a dirty mini van, and a brand new baby.

It is perfection.

Holding last baby is the most bittersweet thing I have ever done. Digging my face into his neck and breathing him in. Knowing that it is the last time I will ever do this. It is the last time I will have a 4 month old baby. I can’t even think about it without my eyes filling with tears.

I am excited to see what life has in store for us beyond babies. I am only 33 ,but for me I feel too old to keep having babies. This last pregnancy did a number on me. High blood pressure, bed rest, evil hormone monster.

I want to go on adventures across the world, and babies aren’t so easy to pack up. OG baby is 6, and that is a lot of years between him and Last Baby.

I want to see who I am going to be when I grow up.

I think regardless of the logic, and reasons why we decided to stop having babies On May 21 I will lose a small piece of my heart, and the rest of last babies life will be spent with tears in my eyes. Because trying to absorb the joy of every minute of his baby hood into my soul cannot be done without some heartbreak.

My only regret about motherhood is: I wish I would have been grateful sooner.

I was a terrible baby Mother to OG baby. I spent most of his infancy wishing it away, because I found it annoying. I am grateful that I had two opportunities to change my only child frame of mind. I find that we wish away too many days. We make jokes about how never ending mothering is, and how annoying kids are. In doing these things we are giving up what little time we have with little kids. The never ending dishes, whining, laundry, loudness it is just a phase. Sooner then we think our houses will be spotless and quiet, and all that will be left of that short time we wished away are the pictures hanging on the wall, and I bet they wont even be crooked.

Spoil those babies people, because babies don’t keep.