I have an unnatural ability to appear completely calm in overwhelming situations.

This is just how it appears on the outside of course.

This is just a fault in my stars, after all.

Inside I am usually FREAKING OUT!!!!!

Over the Summer I was at a lake with my friends and their families, and a bee landed on my eyelid and moved around it for what seemed like forever.

MY EYELID.

My friend next to me aghast saying I was so brave, and I  said,” well inside I am not alive anymore. ”

I didn’t know what to focus on at the time. How close my poor eyeball is to my eyelid and will this bee sting me right through that fine line?!

Lord have mercy.

The other part of me leaning into the fact that this bee must be downloading me with the insights I have yet to find, and he won’t sting me at all.

Just a quick sweeping download into my freaky new age beliefs and he will buzz off not to be seen again.

The second is what happened, but I still ran for my life the rest of summer when a bee came next to me.

No more freaky bee downloads for me though, thanks.

I cant say if my ultra calmness is why I wasn’t stung. Me not freaking out outwardly, maybe he thought I was a flower- and he wouldn’t sting flowers, he would pollinate them until he felt drunk with yellow fuzz dripping off his tiny feet.

I never can show how I am feeling on the inside, and when I do share with folks the mental neurosis that always feels like the eight of swords mixed with the four of pentacles doing some mental gymnastics in my mind, no one believes me.

They think it must be untrue, only my mind playing tricks on me, look at how I handle such difficult things they claim, and move along.

My vanity likes that idea, but my heart knows it has a problem with standing ten toes down.

This year ahead looks to be so unsteady, the only option is ten toes down, no matter what my fickle heart is thinking.

This year ahead looks to be so unsteady, the only option is to breathe deep into the core of my self confidence. The one who doesn’t need anyone else to validate all the amazingly cool things I accomplish. The part of me that is always happiest alone in her bed with a kindle and the lights off. The part of me that knows that we will either make it out of 2025, or we wont- and these are the only two options every year.

This year ahead looks to be so unsteady the only thing left to do is laugh in the face of what is still clinging on to you as you drop it into the oceans of the past.

That Bee still has me petrified of flying insects next to my face, but it did teach me sometimes the only choice is how we act in a situation no matter how scary it is.

If you see me out here in the world looking so perfectly put together, just know it’s because I am.

It’s a fault in my stars after all.

Maybe it was what the bee was downloading me with.

Onward Butter Cups, We’ve got fun to have.

xoxoxo