I have been a fat girl since I was 7.

I spent my elementary school years in a small catholic school where I was bullied by a pack of assholes every day up until their parents couldn’t afford to send them to catholic school anymore. They were shipped off to public school when I was in 6th grade.

The big foreheaded leader of the mean girls used to moo when the Sister rang the recess bell. Lunch time and team picking were a nightmare. I still won’t involve myself in a leisurely game of dodge ball, or any other sport where a team is involved. Not even beer pong.

My Mom would be in school ripping shit up once a week. Freaking out because her daughter would go home and sob in the shower. I was picked on solely for being a fat girl with a sweet temperament.

When I used to ask my Mom why they didn’t like me should would say

“You don’ want people like that to like you Janika.”

She was right.

This post however, is not about bullying. It is about Fat girls.

I did a tour of skinny the year before my wedding. Getting down to a size 3.

A size I had not seen on the inside of my clothes since my toddler years.

I was still in college at the time.

One morning I was doodling on the inside of one of my notebooks at a big brown table waiting for my literature class to start when a fat girl walked in.  The girl next to me “ughed” loudly and made some comment to me about the fat girl that she probably would not have said to her face.  At this point I looked around the room quickly.

Was this girl talking to me!? No, no way.

I was a fat girl too!

Then I realized that on the outside I was no longer fat Janika.

I did not respond to her I just kept doodling. I was in my own kind of shock. Not only had I moved to the other side of the clothing rack, I moved to the other side of the world.

I gained my weight back after that. Not really understanding how much that day impacted me until years later.

I like being fat. I am really good at being fat. I am the best fat girl I know really.

Beautiful, funny bordering on asshole, active, fashion forward, but never doing what everyone else is doing. I know how to be a fat girl.

Fat kept me safe for so many years.

It helped me keep boys with bad intentions away. Lets be serious bros do not want to sleep with a fat girl. They save such an awesome experience for the hot girls. So the fat girls get the boys who really like them for who they are.

Fat girls get to stay out of the catty bullshit that happens among friends with clothes, and looking better then one another. The skinny girls just seem to leave us out of the mix, because no matter how good we look they always think they look better because they are skinny. (the fat girls know this is untrue, but you know how skinny girls can be:))

Being fat is the whole big fish in a small pond mentality. I feel like the king of the pond, because I am the best fat girl of all time. Ever.

These old ways of being are now brand disingenuous. Im the girl shopping the organic aisle, avoiding sugar like its the plague, spending $9.00 for a gallon of grass fed milk, making my kids all their snacks because the ones you buy out of the box are trying to kill you.  I’m the girl  reaching 15,000 steps on average a day. Walking around in my safe fat suit is now just discrediting my existence.

When I saw the cover of this people with Tess Holiday I cringed. Not because she is not beautiful, because she is absolutely gorgeous, but because the message is wrong.

Of coarse you can be fat and gorgeous. Thats is just a case of good genetics, but being fat is not healthy.

So yes, go on and love yourself, but lets not act like being a size 22 is something you should strive for unless you are a size 32.

We have this obsession with allowing for self acceptance.

I accept myself. back fat and all, but I would much rather not have any, so while I am over here loving myself I am still going to try and get rid of that shit.

Just because you accept yourself for the size you are does not mean you should stop trying to not be fat!

Do I think we should spend some time berating the skinny “fat” people too?

Yes!

You know those people, they gorge on sleeves of packaged “cookies” and wash it down with some toxic soda.  The Gods saw fit to bestow them with a super speedy metabolism so you can’t see how unhealthy they are on the outside.  Myself on the other hand looks at a piece of pizza and gains a pound.

If you think about it I would say the Gods liked me more, because they gave me a visual cue when my body is out of sync.  Thankfully Buffy the Vampire Slayer taught me every gift is a curse.

The weight issue is misplaced.

Hanging out in the “Pretty” column next to defined cheek bones.

We associate fat with ugly. Ignoring all those times we have happened upon a skinny ugly person.

The weight issue in reality is about survival.  Obesity leads to heart disease, stroke and diabetes. All three make the top ten killers of Americans list.  Heart Disease being number 1. The facts are there everyday. We know that being fat leads to death, but instead we focus on ugly.

I have never been ugly.

Except maybe for a stint in seventh grade, but even back then all I really needed was an eyebrow wax.

I have always been fat.

As this journey down the scale begins I am scared out of my mind. Not that I can’t accomplish a weight that takes me out of the heart attack risk category, but that I am going to be a skinny person, and I am not so sure I know how to do that.