Today I felt like a bad Mother. Not for the  typical reasons one might think a stay at home mom would think she is a bad mother. I was a badass stay at home mother today;I baked muffins, made an obstacle course, snuggled up and watched Bubble Guppies, had a lively dance party that included twirling ,and put a ream of paper on the back porch with paint to let the kids go wild.

That experiment took more time to clean up then the kids actually painted, but hey Lady Baby got some more practice on her color skills, and Last Baby got a kick out of getting his feet cleaned in the bathroom sink while dropping all of our toothbrushes in the paint and dirt swirled sink water.

I felt like a shitty mother  because Lady Baby had to deal with a pscycho baby on the verge of toddlerhood destroy her yoga block made balance beam for the fifteenth time in a row. I felt bad because today Lady Baby was the quintessential middle child. The one stuck between everyone else and she always has to adjust her stride to their will. I felt bad because my baby girl dreams of going to school just to get some time for herself. Where she is just herself, and not someone’s big or little sister. Today I silently cried for the toddlerhood she will never get to have. The one OG had, and the one Last Baby will have soon enough. The one where the best mom in the world can focus her attention solely on the little person in front of her.

I stroked her face at nap time and told her she was an amazing girl for being so tolerant, and then I went into my room to contend with the guilty feelings of having one more baby when I already had a baby.

This is the burden of the only child with four children. The only child who knows how marvelous it is to bask in the glory of life being all about her.

I hope that I can make these kids understand how special it is to have a sibling. I hope I can teach them that all this sacrifice they don’t even know they are sacrificing is for the future greater good of family holidays and vacations. I hope they know I wanted this big family so they would never be alone in this world. I hope that I can foster and nurture the kind of siblings that stay together because they love each other.The ones that understand that loving your family is not an option it is a requirement. I mean unless one of the turns into a cannibal,  super junkie who robs them, or pedophile. There are  limits to everything.

There are  limits to everything.