Peopling

I don’t like to people.  I forget I don’t like to people. I think it might be nice to be out there in the big community, and then I remember all the things I have ever learned about peopling, and decide to stay inside.

In my  grown up aged life I refuse get down with real house wives type nonsense, because there is no stylist, or person from wardrobe making me hot enough to tolerate all that noise.

The most recent batch of negative experiences peopling left me feeling like I was in recovery from getting tied to a pole, sliced open, and left to be eaten by rats. I cannot tell you if this is an exaggeration, because it has in fact physically not happened to me, but it sounded like a reasonable enough comparison when I thought it, so I went with it.

Wounds cleaned and healing I started wondering how to be in the world, and not hide from it. This is what I do in these long radio silences. I hide in my brain and pick away at all the things, deciding what feelings are real, and which ones are me reenacting an episode of 90210.

I have come to understand the need for a pause in between thought and reaction.

I still feel things, but I know that that feeling is just a call to create space between what is happening right at the moment, and what is actually real. This small moment in time that I wont even remember except with a cringe, is not worth my peace.

I have learned to stay for the sensation of a nerve being hit in my heart, and watch where it goes off in my body.

I have a Nas lyric hung up to remind me of this new trick I have learned whilst peopling. “No apologies on the issue if it offends you, it’s meant to.”

That nerve being provoked can in fact be such a great lesson. The thing is, what to do instead of reacting to being offended right in the heat of the moment.  If I cannot rip someone’s heart out with my bare hands, and make them cry for offending me regardless of how much merit I have to react, what can I do?

Well, I can thank the good Lord for Cardi B.

People can only give you what they have, and I respect that, but that does not mean that is what I have to take.

I have learned that boundaries keep me moving in the direction I am trying to aim for, and people pleasing has never brought me anything, but drama.

I have learned that people who love me will stay on the ride, or get off, and when they leave they clear up space for what’s next, but sitting there watching the empty space stings like a bastard, because expectation is stupid.

I have learned to really mean it when I say I am my favorite person, because I am the only person I will ever have in this world, and that’s not sad at all.

I have my dream come true husband, beautiful children, and some down to ride to the very end friends, but like Cher says- baby, “We all sleep alone.

The only person living in my brain is me -so I cannot be living my life for anyone, but myself.

Peopling and me is still a work in progress, but such is life.

You can find me hiding under my blankets watching Sasha Banks matches on the WWE network.

Glitter Up Buttercups.

<3

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